On Bodies and Bikinis and How Much Five Pounds Really Weighs
July 7, 2018
It was a rough winter, mentally.
Which made it a rough winter physically.
Which means I gained a few pounds.
Which means I now feel squishy, and uncomfortable in my clothes.
But I love the sun, and the vitamin D and the time to sit and read without guilt that it provides. I pulled out an old bikini, red with white polka dots, that I haven't worn much the past few summers because it was a little big and it fits perfectly now.
But I'm embarrassed. And I'm beating myself up.
My scale is heading in the wrong direction.
But then I remember when I bought this swimsuit years ago, when my scale was going down (the RIGHT direction. Right?) And I felt good in it then. I felt like I looked good. So why don't I feel like I look good now? Because I've looked "better"?
Did I look better? Maybe. Did I feel better? Sure. Will I feel better again? Hopefully.
But is a 5-pound or a 5-month difference in fitness worth so much mental energy? Would I even notice this in a friend?
I notice when my friends are happy, or sad, or excited about a project, or need someone to listen.
If I wouldn't judge them why am I judging myself?
So I've decided that even though I don't like how I feel right now, I'm going to stop judging my body. It's a darn good body. I can do pretty much anything I want. I started learning golf recently and this body managed enough decent shots to get me excited to play more. I took a tennis lesson and have a halfway decent backhand (who knew?). I work out with a trainer to keep me strong. If I need a mental break or a quick workout I can go run 3-5 miles pretty easily - well not so easy if it's 90 degrees but it's ok to walk.
It's ok to walk.
It's ok to not look perfect. Or even good. Or even "good for your age."
It's ok to not look perfect in a bikini and still enjoy sitting by a pool.
And that's where you'll find me. In the red bikini with the white polka dots.